My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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