I'm pants shitting drunk right now
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
