so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
