I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize