Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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