see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
