i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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