I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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