i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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