Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
