I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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