I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
