Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she peed on how many people?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
