I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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