Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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