He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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