The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
