So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
