it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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