There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
