R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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