Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
