The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
