as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Come share oat with me in your robe
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
