In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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