Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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