she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
