I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
