Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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