I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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