I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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