I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
