Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
