I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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