My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
