I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
