I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
