James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
