if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
