So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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