GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
