Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
