People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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