About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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