I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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