Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
