You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
