He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
