Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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