i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize