He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
