I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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