After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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