I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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