Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
