DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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