Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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