Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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