You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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