Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
