Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's like heaven, but drunker
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
